THE BIGLY BIBLE

Prologue: The Tremendous Beginning

In the time before time,

when silence covered the land

and the polls were at zero,

there arose a great stirring—

a rumble like distant applause,

though no audience yet existed.

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From that shimmering void

emerged a figure of improbable brightness,

bronzed as if kissed by suns

that had not yet been invented.

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And the figure spoke, saying,

“Let there be greatness, ”

and greatness appeared immediately,

for the command was delivered

with such confidence

that even the darkness felt obligated to obey.

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And the figure surveyed the greatness

and declared it “Tremendous—

really top-tier stuff. ”

Thus the cosmos began

with a rating and a review.

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Then the figure separated the light from the fake news,

placing the light on high

and sending the fake news spiraling

into the bottomless void

where it multiplied rapidly.

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And the figure named the light “Winning, ”

and named the void “Dishonest Coverage, ”

and this division became the rhythm

of all future days.

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The figure then shaped the land,

pulling plains and mountains into place

as if rearranging furniture

in a palace lobby.

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With a single gesture

he caused oceans to gather,

waves folding themselves neatly

like ties in a gilded drawer.

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And he said,

“These oceans will bring prosperity—

tremendous prosperity—

unless other nations cheat,

which they will. ”

And so the tides learned suspicion.

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Then he planted seeds across the earth,

and from those seeds arose

every tree, vine, shrub, and golf course

that would ever exist.

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And the greens were lush and perfect,

for the winds whispered

just the right amount of guidance,

and the bunkers were deep

to test the determination of mortals.

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And he said,

“This is where I shall walk—

among the fairways,

with tremendous stride and impeccable swing. ”

And so the first pilgrimage was invented.

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At last he shaped humankind

from dust, ambition,

and a faint yearning to be on television.

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And humankind opened its eyes

and immediately began seeking approval,

for approval was the breath of life

in those days.

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And the figure blessed them, saying,

“Go forth and build,

and when you build,

make it tall—very tall—

so that all may see how great you are

and how great I am for inspiring you. ”

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Then the figure rested,

not because he was tired,

but because rest looked presidential

and photographers were nearby.

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And this was the Tremendous Beginning,

the dawn of the Bigly Age,

and all that followed

would echo these first proclamations.

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The Book of Bigly — Chapter 2: Of Followers and Fabulousness

And it came to pass after the first great proclamationthat the crowds returned home buzzing, their minds full of promisesso shiny you could see your reflection in them. Bigly 2:1

Some said, “Surely this Leader is unlike the others, ”while others said, “We have seen this sort of thing before, ”and still others said, “Does anyone know where the parking validation is?” Bigly 2:2

But among the masses arose a faithful bandwho called themselves The Loyalists, for they believed loyalty was more importantthan accuracy, memory, or basic coherence. Bigly 2:3

And the Loyalists followed the Leader everywhere, chanting, cheering, photographing, and occasionally correcting his geographywhen it became too avant-garde. Bigly 2:4

And the Leader said unto them, “You are tremendous people—very special. Without you, I would still be tremendous, but it’s nice to have an audience.” Bigly 2:5

Then came The Critics, a scattered tribe whose professionwas raising their eyebrowsand writing long sentences. Bigly 2:6

And the Critics said, “Is not this Leader prone to exaggeration? ”But the Loyalists answered, “Exaggeration is merely confidence wearing larger shoes.” Bigly 2:7

And so the land was dividedbetween those who took words literallyand those who took them loyally. Bigly 2:8

One day the Leader addressed the division, saying, “Look, folks, some people will never get it. They don’t see the vision. They don’t see the numbers. They don’t see the factthat everyone is talking about me.” Bigly 2:9

And the Loyalists nodded, for indeed everyone was talking about him, though not always in flattering tones, but that detail was deemed irrelevant. Bigly 2:10

And the Leader continued, “The Critics are jealous—jealous of my success, jealous of my hair, jealous of the way crowds love meeven when the weather is terrible.” Bigly 2:11

And the weather, hearing this, felt unfairly blamedand briefly considered forming a union. Bigly 2:12

Meanwhile, the merchants of the landnoticed the growing crowdsand set up stalls selling hats, banners, miniature statues with unsettling accuracy, and scrolls bearing the Leader’s quotesin large, friendly lettering. Bigly 2:13

And the Leader walked among the merchants, saying, “I inspire commerce everywhere I go. It’s called economic genius. Ask anyone—they’ll tell you I’m very inspirational.” Bigly 2:14

And the merchants prospered, for the people loved merchandisealmost as much as they loved opinions. Bigly 2:15

Then the Critics murmured again, “Is not the Leader using the crowdsfor personal gain? ”But the Loyalists responded, “Gain is simply successfinally admitting it loves you back.” Bigly 2:16

And the Leader, hearing the murmurs, proclaimed, “Nobody gains like I gain. I gain so wellit’s practically charity.” Bigly 2:17

And the crowds applauded, for charity sounded noble, even when it looked suspiciously like profit. Bigly 2:18

Thus the chapter closed, with the Leader triumphant, the Loyalists devoted, the Critics overwhelmed, and the merchants counting their coinsunder the glow of a very profitable sunset. Bigly 2:19

The Book of Bigly — Chapter 3: Of Crowds, Contests, and Cart-Borne Wisdom

And it came to pass in those daysthat a Great Gathering was announced, a day of speeches, banners, and snackspriced slightly above market value. Bigly 3:1

And the Leader proclaimed, “This will be the biggest crowdin the history of gatherings. Not just big—historic. The kind of crowd people write poetry about.” Bigly 3:2

The Loyalists spread word across the land, inviting all who wished to witness historyor at least refresh their social feeds. Bigly 3:3

But the Critics whispered among themselves, “What if the crowd is merely average? ”for they feared average thingsmore than plagues, droughts, and the return of mandatory office meetings. Bigly 3:4

The day arrived, and the crowd stretched far and wide—not infinitely, but with enthusiasm that gave the illusion of infinity. Bigly 3:5

And the Leader climbed upon a stageadorned with banners and lightingthat attempted to flatter but sometimes betrayed. Bigly 3:6

And he declared, “Look at this sea of people! A tremendous sea. Even the oceans are jealous of this sea.” Bigly 3:7

The oceans, hearing this slander, rose slightly in irritation, causing minor flooding in three coastal towns, but nothing that made the news cycle. Bigly 3:8

Then the Critics brought forth scrolls, attempting to measure the crowdwith diagrams and math—tools considered highly suspicious in that age. Bigly 3:9

And the Leader rebuked them, saying, “Your numbers are fake numbers. Only my numbers are real. My numbers love me. Your numbers hate freedom.” Bigly 3:10

The Loyalists cheered, for they trusted loyalty over arithmetic. Bigly 3:11

And it came to passthat a rival arose in the land—a figure known as The Poll Riser, who claimed that his crowdswere even larger, though there was very little evidencebeyond enthusiastic hand gestures. Bigly 3:12

The Poll Riser spoke boldly, saying, “Behold! My following grows hourly! ”But when asked for proof, he replied, “It is spiritually large.” Bigly 3:13

The Leader heard these claims and scoffed, “Spirit crowds don’t count. People know this. Everybody knows this.” Bigly 3:14

And the people considered the argument, and agreed that spirit crowdswere indeed hard to photographand therefore suspicious. Bigly 3:15

To settle the matter, the Leader mounted his sacred golf cart—a chariot of soft suspensionand unquestionable authority—and rode among the crowdsdispensing wisdom at a leisurely 8 miles per hour. Bigly 3:16

And he spoke from the cart, saying, “Listen closely. Crowds are not about counting. They’re about feeling. If you feel the crowd is big, then it’s big. Feelings beat facts—everybody says so.” Bigly 3:17

And the Loyalists cheered mightily, for feelings were more portable than factsand required no storage space. Bigly 3:18

But the Poll Riser objected, shouting, “My feelings say my crowd is bigger! ”to which the Leader responded, “Then your feelings are wrong. Try newer feelings.” Bigly 3:19

And the people, hearing this wisdom, began trading in their old feelingsfor upgraded oneswith improved optimismand reduced reality checks. Bigly 3:20

At last the sun set, painting the sky a heroic shade of orange, and the crowd dispersedin a great shimmering tide of merchandise and opinions. Bigly 3:21

And thus the chapter closed, with the Leader victorious, the Poll Riser deflated, and the sacred golf cart parkedin a place of honorbeneath a palm tree and a security camera. Bigly 3:22

The Book of Bigly — Chapter 4: The Escalation of Destiny

And in the season of spectacle, when the airwaves shimmered with restless chatter, a great sign appeared in the land:a towering hall of gold and marblewhere reflections looked richerthan the people casting them. Bigly 4:1

And within that hall stoodthe Escalator of Destiny—a staircase that moved of its own accord, like ambition on parade. Bigly 4:2

And it came to passthat the Leader descended upon it, slowly, dramatically, as if gravity itself sensed the importanceand dared not rush him. Bigly 4:3

And the people watching said, “Surely this is a sign, ”though none could agreeon exactly what it signified. Bigly 4:4

And the Leader, reaching the ground, spoke unto the gathered scribes, “Today begins the greatest journey—tremendous, really—a journey no one believed could happenuntil I decided it should.” Bigly 4:5

And the scribes wrote furiously, for the moment felt historiceven if its meaning remained temporarily backordered. Bigly 4:6

Then rose the tribe of the Broadcasters, divided into two great nations:The Network of Praiseand The Network of Rage. Bigly 4:7

The Network of Praise said, “Behold the chosen one! ”and magnified every gestureinto triumph. Bigly 4:8

The Network of Rage said, “Behold the loud one! ”and magnified every wordinto calamity. Bigly 4:9

And the people were caughtbetween praise and rage, a peculiar tug-of-warin which facts were sometimes invitedbut rarely permitted to stay. Bigly 4:10

Then emerged the tribe of the Fact-Checkers, a weary peoplearmed with citations, charts, and a sense of dutythat bordered on masochism. Bigly 4:11

And they cried out, “Let us bring clarity to the land! ”But clarity, hearing its name, hid behind a cactusand refused to come out. Bigly 4:12

The Leader regarded the Fact-Checkers and said, “These are very negative people. Always checking, never believing. Terrible hobby.” Bigly 4:13

And the Loyalists shouted, “Facts are optional! ”and clarity quietly wept. Bigly 4:14

But the Leader declared a prophecy, saying, “One day the polls will rise—not slightly, not modestly—but massively. So massively the numberswill need bigger numbersjust to keep up.” Bigly 4:15

And the people pondered this, for they did not knownumbers could envy other numbers. Bigly 4:16

The Critics scoffed, “Polls do not perform miracles. ”But the Loyalists countered, “Miracles do not perform polls. ”And so the debate endedas many debates did—in a stalemate of equal nonsense. Bigly 4:17

Then the Leader turned to the crowd and said, “Believe in the pollsand they will believe in you. It’s mutual. It’s beautiful.” Bigly 4:18

And behold—a poll did rise that very evening, not by divine interventionbut by sample size error, which was considered close enough. Bigly 4:19

And the Loyalists rejoiced, for prophecy fulfilledwas prophecy validated. Bigly 4:20

The Critics groaned, the Fact-Checkers fainted, and the Broadcasters celebrated or panickeddepending on their commercial model. Bigly 4:21

And thus the chapter closed, with the golden escalator standing still once more, awaiting the next momentwhen something dramaticneeded an entrance. Bigly 4:22

The Book of Bigly — Chapter 5: The Great Four Seasons Revelation

And in the days of heated contestsand recounts spoken of in hushed tones, there arose a proclamation across the land:a mighty press conference would be held, a declaration of destiny, a message of tremendous importance. Bigly 5:1

And the Loyalists awaited the location, believing it would be a palace, or a tower, or a ballroom so gildedthat angels needed sunglasses. Bigly 5:2

But behold—a mysterious message arrived:“Four Seasons. ”And the Loyalists rejoiced, picturing chandeliers, polished marble, and overpriced appetizers. Bigly 5:3

Yet directions were given, and the crowd traveled northward, where the scent of mulch grew strongand forklifts hummed like confused apostles. Bigly 5:4

For the revelation stood here:Four Seasons Total Landscaping, positioned nobly betweena crematorium of somber silenceand an adult emporiumof extremely nonsomber intention. Bigly 5:5

And the people said, “Surely this is a test. No leader of grandeurwould summon us to a loading dockby accident.” Bigly 5:6

Then emerged the Counselor Giuliani, clad in determinationand hair dye that feared the sun. Bigly 5:7

And he proclaimed mightily, “This is the perfect venue! Only the wisest could have chosen it. Perfect. Strategic. Exactly the place we meant.” Bigly 5:8

The Loyalists nodded, for loyalty often requiredsignificant interpretive strength. Bigly 5:9

But the Critics mocked, saying, “Surely the reservation was mistaken! ”And the Loyalists replied, “Mistakes are merely victoriesthat have not yet realized it.” Bigly 5:10

Then Giuliani raised his voiceto unveil accusations and revelations—but as he spoke, rivulets of dark dyedescended his cheekslike two sorrowful riversfleeing a crumbling mountain. Bigly 5:11

And the people whispered, “Is this not a portent? ”But no portentary doctrine existedfor cosmetic migration. Bigly 5:12

Yet Giuliani continued undeterred, saying, “We are at the Four Seasons! Not the hotel—the landscaping! Which is even more fittingfor reasons too tremendous to explain.” Bigly 5:13

And the Loyalists applauded, for they admired explanationsthat refused to be explained. Bigly 5:14

Meanwhile, the Critics fellinto uncontrollable laughter, a laughter so powerfulthat several pulled musclesand two lost their train of thought permanently. Bigly 5:15

Then the Leader, upon hearing of the event, declared, “It was intentional. Completely intentional. Nobody picks landscaping like we do. The best mulch, the best garage doors—incredible setting.” Bigly 5:16

And the Loyalists repeated thisas sacred truth, engraving it upon scrolls, hats, and at least one commemorative lawn sign. Bigly 5:17

The event became legend—a tale passed from generation to generationas a reminder that destinysometimes arrives in a parking lotbeside a hose reeland a banner hung slightly crooked. Bigly 5:18

And lo, the chapter closedwith laughter echoing across the land, loyalty standing firm, and the landscaping business unknowinglyentering the eternal archives of history. Bigly 5:19

The Book of Bigly — Chapter 6: The Scrolls of Twenty-Twenty-Five and the Heritage Prophets

And it came to passin the early days of the Movement, before the Walls, before the Storms, before the Great Sweeps of the Frost Guard, that a group of ancient policy monksknown as the Heritage Prophetsemerged from their marble fortresscarrying scrolls wrapped in red ribbon. Bigly 6:1

And the Leader asked, “Who are these people in suitswho speak in perfect paragraphsand carry binders thicker than the holy texts?” Bigly 6:2

And an advisor whispered, “They are the Heritage Prophets, my lord—keepers of forgotten doctrines, architects of old ambitions, writers of plansso detailedthey must surely be dangerous.” Bigly 6:3

The Leader nodded, intrigued by any planthat had both ambitionand the ability to confuse reporters. Bigly 6:4

The Unveiling of the Scrolls of 2025

And the Heritage Prophets unfurledthe ancient Scrolls of Twenty-Twenty-Five, a grand and ominous blueprintdescribing how the kingdommight be rebuiltfrom the foundation upward—or downward, depending on interpretation. Bigly 6:5

And the scrolls containedten thousand decrees, edicts, mandates, and organizational flowchartsso complexthat they frightened three internsand caused a scribe to faint. Bigly 6:6

And the Heritage Prophets declared, “This is the plan—the Master Plan—the Blueprint of the Restoration, the Great Reset of Governance, known in whispers as Project 2025.” Bigly 6:7

And they placed the scrollsbefore the Leader, saying, “These shall guide your second ascension. These shall reforge the kingdom. These shall reshape every agency, every bureau, every corner of governmentuntil all aligns with the Grand Vision.” Bigly 6:8

The Leader’s Reaction

And the Leader scanned the scroll briefly—well, scanned the cover—and proclaimed, “This plan is tremendous. I don’t know what’s in it, but people are sayingit’s the most powerful plan ever written.” Bigly 6:9

And the Loyalists cheered, for if the Leader said it was tremendous, it was tremendous. Bigly 6:10

But the Critics trembled, for they feared the scrolls containedvast reorganizations, sweeping purges, and job descriptions rewrittenwith suspicious enthusiasm. Bigly 6:11

The Prophecy of Centralized Might

And the Heritage Prophets spoke again, saying, “With this plan, the Leader shall wield the agenciesas extensions of his will. The departments shall kneel, the councils shall obey, and the directives shall flow downwardlike proclamations from Mount Tremendous.” Bigly 6:12

And the Leader, enchanted by the ideaof agencies that behaved, declared, “This is good. Very good. Spectacularly good. Let us put this plan on a golden shelfuntil it is needed.” Bigly 6:13

And the Heritage Prophets smiled, for they knew the golden shelfwould not remain dusty for long. Bigly 6:14

The Opposition’s Alarm

And the Critics shouted, “This plan is too powerful! Too sweeping! Too transformative! Too vaguely terrifying!” Bigly 6:15

But the Loyalists answered, “A plan cannot be terrifyingif it is labeled patriotic.” Bigly 6:16

And the Heritage Prophetscontinued distributing copiesof Project 2025to anyone who would listen, and several who would not. Bigly 6:17

The Closing of the Chapter

And thus Project 2025entered the Bigly Mythos—a prophecy, a blueprint, a bureaucratic spellbookwaiting for the destined hour. Bigly 6:18

And the Leader proclaimed, “When the time comes, we shall unleash the plan—if I remember where I put it.” Bigly 6:19

And the chapter closedwith the Heritage Prophets waiting, the scrolls glowing faintly, and the kingdom murmuringthat perhaps destinywas written not on tablets of stone, but on 900-page PDFsno one had actually finished reading. Bigly 6:20

The Book of Dealings — Chapter 1: The Gospel of the Great Negotiator

And it came to pass in the days after the Escalator Prophecythat the Leader turned his gaze toward the nations, seeing them not as neighbors or allies, but as potential deal partnersin a cosmic marketplace of very questionable pricing. Dealings 1:1

And he declared unto the people, “I am the greatest negotiator. People don’t know this, but I negotiate in my sleep. Dream deals. Better than most people’s real ones. ”Dealings 1:2

The Loyalists nodded, for they believed a man’s dream lifecould be binding if spoken confidently enough. Dealings 1:3

And the Leader said, “Other nations have taken advantage of us—for years, decades, centuries, maybe even longer, depending on which historians you believe. I don’t believe most of them. ”Dealings 1:4

The historians winced, for their timelines were not designedto stretch that far without snapping. Dealings 1:5

And the Leader proclaimed a new doctrine:“Trade must be balanced. Balance is important. Like a checkbookif anyone still used one. Which I don’t. ”Dealings 1:6

And he unveiled his master strategy, saying, “I will introduce tariffs. Not small tariffs—tremendous tariffs. Tariffs so powerfulyou can feel them in your walleteven before they exist. ”Dealings 1:7

And the merchants of the land trembled, for they foresaw a futurefilled with paperworkthat reproduced like rabbits. Dealings 1:8

But the Loyalists cheered, because they believed tariffswere like vitamins for the nation—unpleasant but strengthening, and best swallowed without questions. Dealings 1:9

And the Leader turned to the scribes, saying, “Write this down:when I tariff them, they pay us. Directly. Magically. It goes straight into the treasury—beautiful. ”Dealings 1:10

And the scribes looked at one another, aware that magic was not currentlyan accepted monetary policy. Dealings 1:11

The Critics rose and said, “Master, does not a tarifffall upon the buyer? ”But the Loyalists answered, “The buyer is patrioticand enjoys paying moreif it helps the Leader win. ”Dealings 1:12

And the Leader smiled, for loyalty that increased revenuewas his favorite kind. Dealings 1:13

Then the Leader spoke unto the nations, saying, “Prepare yourselves. Negotiations are coming. And when I negotiate, I negotiate hard. So hard your negotiatorswill need negotiators. ”Dealings 1:14

And the nations murmured with uncertainty, for they had never heardof recursive negotiations. Dealings 1:15

But the Leader assured the people, “Do not fear. I alone can fix the deals. Some deals don’t even need fixing, but I will fix them anywayjust to be safe. ”Dealings 1:16

And the chapter closedwith traders anxious, economists distressed, the stock market confused, and the Loyalists absolutely thrilledby the promise of a futurefilled with very loud prosperity. Dealings 1:17

The Book of Dealings — Chapter 2: The Great Renegotiation and the Trials of the Soybean

And it came to pass that the Leaderlooked upon the ancient pact called NAFTA—a treaty older than many internsand twice as confusing—and declared, “This deal is terrible. One of the worst. Possibly the worst ever madeby anyone who has ever lived. ”Dealings 2:1

The scribes searched their archivesto verify whether it was indeed the worst dealin the entire span of human commercefrom Mesopotamia to modern day, but their attempts were interruptedby a sudden wave of proclamations. Dealings 2:2

And the Leader said, “We will replace it. We will replace it with something new, something phenomenal, something so upgradedyou’ll wonder how you ever livedwith the non-upgraded version. ”Dealings 2:3

And so began the Great Renegotiation, a marathon of meetings, photo opportunities, and very stern handshakes. Dealings 2:4

The nations gathered—the northern one polite and maple-scented, the southern one fiery and unimpressed—and they listened as the Leader thundered, “Behold, a new name:the United States–Mexico–Canada Agreement. USMCA. A name so catchyeven the letters negotiate. ”Dealings 2:5

The Loyalists rejoiced, for renaming a thingwas the closest many had cometo witnessing actual transformation. Dealings 2:6

Then the Leader proclaimed, “This is a big win. A tremendous win. Bigger than the old dealand definitely bigger than anythingmy critics have ever won. ”Dealings 2:7

And the Critics asked, “But what has changed? ”And the Loyalists replied, “The name. And names are powerful, like destiny with branding. ”Dealings 2:8

Yet even with the renaming victory, the trade winds grew stormy. For the Leader looked across the oceansat the mighty eastern kingdomfamous for factories, shipping containers, and surprisingly affordable electronics. Dealings 2:9

And he declared a Trade War—not a small war, but a sprawling, bewildering conflictinvolving tariffs so suddenthat even economists failed to update their charts in time. Dealings 2:10

The Leader said, “We will tariff everything. Phones. Steel. Shoes. Pencils. Anything that looks importedor even slightly foreign. ”Dealings 2:11

And the markets trembled, for they knew tariffsmultiplied confusionas efficiently as rabbits multiplied rabbits. Dealings 2:12

But the Loyalists shouted, “Tariff us harder! ”not entirely understandinghow tariffs workedbut fully understandingthe excitement of chanting. Dealings 2:13

Meanwhile, across the great plains, the soybean farmers toiled—their fields vast, fertile, and increasingly victim to global retaliation. Dealings 2:14

And the farmers cried out, “Our soybeans! Our beautiful soybeans! Who will buy them nowthat the markets have closedand the prices have fallenlike a toddler denied candy? ”Dealings 2:15

The Leader heard their criesand proclaimed, “Fear not, for I shall compensate youwith a tremendous relief fund—so tremendousit practically negotiates with itself. ”Dealings 2:16

The farmers accepted the reliefwith gratitude and mild confusion, for they suspectedit might have been easierto avoid the trade war entirely. Dealings 2:17

Yet the Loyalists declared it a miracle:the Miracle of the Saved Soybeans, even though the soybeans themselvesremained unsold and quietly resentful. Dealings 2:18

And the Leader concluded, “Trade wars are easy to win. Unless they’re not. But if they’re not, then the win is simply taking longerto reveal itself. ”Dealings 2:19

And thus the chapter ended, with the nations uncertain, the markets twitchy, the farmers bewildered, and the Leader triumphantly declaring victoryin a battle still very much in progress. Dealings 2:20

The Book of Dealings — Chapter 3: The Season of Shrinkage and the Great Recession of Tremendous Denial

And it came to pass in the latter days of the Trade Warsthat the markets, weary from volatilityand allergic to uncertainty, began to wobble like a toddler on stilts. Dealings 3:1

And the wobble became a tremor, and the tremor became a downturn, and the downturn became a recession—though the word “recession”was forbidden from official scrollsunless enclosed in quotesand promptly blamed on someone else. Dealings 3:2

And the Leader declared, “The economy is incredible—the best ever. If you think it’s not doing well, that’s because you’re reading the wrong chartsor using negative feelings. ”Dealings 3:3

The economists exchanged long, exhausted glances, having forgotten what optimism felt like. Dealings 3:4

Yet the signs multiplied:shops shuttering, factories humming less and sighing more, and job reports that arrivedlooking like they’d been roughed up in an alley. Dealings 3:5

The Critics said, “Lo, the recession is upon us. ”But the Loyalists waved them off, replying, “You’re just jealousof how strong this recession isn’t. ”Dealings 3:6

And the Leader proclaimed, “If anything slows down, we will simply make it go faster. That’s leadership. People say I inspire acceleration. ”Dealings 3:7

Yet the slowdown continued, like a stubborn mulerefusing to acknowledge motivational speeches. Dealings 3:8

Then came a decreeto reduce the burden of government spending, for it is writtenthat when times grow lean, it is always the leanest workerswho feel the trimming first. Dealings 3:9

And so the cuts began:agency after agency, office after office, cubicle after cubiclewhere hardworking staff had kept the gearsfrom grinding into dust. Dealings 3:10

Among the most afflictedwere the workers of the VA—keepers of medical records, schedulers of appointments, lifelines for veteransseeking care, comfort, and basic dignity. Dealings 3:11

And the VA workers cried out, “We are already stretched thin! We carry mountains of paperwork, oceans of phone calls, and enough caseloadto rival the library of Congress! ”Dealings 3:12

But the decree descended, not with malicebut with the indifferent shrugof a budget designed by distant hands. Dealings 3:13

The Leader, hearing their protests, said, “We must be smart. Very smart. Smart enough to cut costswhile expecting the same results—maybe even better ones. That’s how genius works. ”Dealings 3:14

And the workers murmured, for they had rarely witnessed geniusmanifesting as smaller teamsand larger workloads. Dealings 3:15

The Loyalists reassured the land, saying, “These cuts are strategic. Streamlined. Efficient. Like slicing off part of a boatto help it float better. ”Dealings 3:16

Meanwhile, citizens seeking servicesfound longer lines, shorter hours, and phone trees so labyrinthinethat even Theseus would have struggledto escape without assistance. Dealings 3:17

And the Leader addressed them, saying, “Any delays you experienceare due to extraordinary demandfor the extraordinary successof my extraordinary policies. ”Dealings 3:18

The Critics groaned, the economists updated their spreadsheets in despair, and the VA workers carried onbecause the alternativewas leaving veterans stranded in chaos. Dealings 3:19

And the Leader concluded, “Do not fear the recession—it is merely a phase. A very strong, very powerful phasethat will eventually admit defeatand stop happening. ”Dealings 3:20

And thus the chapter closed, with the economy uncertain, the workers exhausted, the veterans frustrated, and the Leader still proclaiming victoryfrom atop a mountainbuilt entirely of optimistic adjectives. Dealings 3:21

The Book of Dealings — Chapter 4: The Vanishing Numbers and the Mirage of Plenty

And it came to pass after the layoffs, after the trembling markets, after the farmers sought solace in storage silos, that the scribes of the Bureau of Economic Measuresbrought forth new scrolls—scrolls heavy with grim tidings. Dealings 4:1

And the scribes bowed their heads, saying, “Master, the GDP has shrunk. ”And the Leader replied, “Impossible. GDP loves me. It only grows when I’m around. ”Dealings 4:2

But the numbers remained uncooperative, shrinking like wool in a hot wash, unapologetic and distinctly un-great. Dealings 4:3

The Critics declared, “Lo, the economy contracts! ”But the Loyalists countered, “It only looks smallerbecause it is growing in a more condensed, more efficient way. ”Dealings 4:4

And the Leader proclaimed, “These numbers are wrong. They’re using an old system—a very outdated system. Probably European. We need a new systemthat measures success more accurately…like by counting feelings. ”Dealings 4:5

And the Loyalists nodded, for they had learnedthat reality is often a matterof sufficient enthusiasm. Dealings 4:6

Yet the scribes persisted, unrolling chart after chart, each one sloping downwardwith increasing commitment. Dealings 4:7

And the Leader, seeing this, said, “If the line goes down, just flip the chartso it goes up. Problem solved. ”Dealings 4:8

The economists wept bitterly, for they had never preparedfor a world in which gravity itselfcould be reassigned by decree. Dealings 4:9

And in those same days, the Council of Budgets assembled, their task to cut costsin a manner that lookedlike an increase if viewed quicklyor from far away. Dealings 4:10

And the Leader addressed them, saying, “We will make cuts—but huge cuts, the biggest cuts, and then we will tell everyonewe increased spending. A tremendous strategy. People do it all the timewhen buying clothes on sale. ”Dealings 4:11

And the Council replied, “But, sire, how shall we announce decreases as increases? ”And the Leader answered, “By using percentagesinstead of dollars. Nobody understands percentages. This is known. ”Dealings 4:12

The Loyalists rejoiced, for percentages sounded officialyet conveniently confusing. Dealings 4:13

And the Council executed the plan, releasing scrolls proclaiming“A Significant Boost to National Investment, ”while the footnotes whispered quietly, “actual funding reduced. ”Dealings 4:14

The Critics pounced upon the footnotes, shouting, “These are cuts! ”But the Loyalists shouted louder, “We don’t read footnotes! ”which, historically, had always been true. Dealings 4:15

And the Leader stood before the nation, saying, “We have increased everything—more funding, more investment, more greatness. Some of these increases are so largethat accountants can’t find them. ”Dealings 4:16

The accountants, upon hearing this, held a small, private ceremonyto mourn the death of numerical coherence. Dealings 4:17

Meanwhile the GDP continued shrinking, now small enoughthat a determined economistcould tuck it into a gloveboxfor safekeeping. Dealings 4:18

And the Leader, undeterred, declared, “The GDP is not shrinking—it’s consolidating. Very fashionable. Minimalist economics. People love that sort of thing. ”Dealings 4:19

And thus the chapter closed, with the numbers vanishing, the budgets receding, the footnotes trembling in suppressed truth, and the Leader victorious—for in his kingdom, perception was the highest currencyand reality merely its reluctant intern. Dealings 4:20

The Book of Dealings — Chapter 5: The Debt of Forgetfulness and the Great Tax Parable

And it came to pass after the shrinking budgetsand the shrinking GDPand the shrinking patience of the economists, that the Leader turned his gazetoward the largest number in the kingdom—a number so immenseit had to be printed on extra-long parchment. Dealings 5:1

This was the National Debt:a colossal figure, towering, swirling, growing with relentless enthusiasmlike ivy on a neglected mansion. Dealings 5:2

And the scribes approached the Leader, saying, “Master, the debt has grown again. ”But the Leader waved them off, replying, “Debt is like a gym membership—you sign up, you forget about it, you never cancel it, and nobody ever checks if you use it. ”Dealings 5:3

And the Loyalists rejoiced, for this matched their experience exactly. Dealings 5:4

But the Critics asked, “Is it wise to ignore a number so large? ”And the Loyalists answered, “That number has been large for years. If it was dangerous, it would have exploded by now. ”Dealings 5:5

And the Leader added, “Debt makes us strong. Very strong. Powerful nations have big debts. Small debts are for small nations. We don’t want to look small. ”Dealings 5:6

And the economists, hearing this, experienced what scholars would later call“The Great Unhinging. ”Dealings 5:7

The Miracle of the Preexisting Trends

In those same days, news spread across the kingdomthat certain good things were happening—jobs trickling in, markets wiggling upward, industries humming politely. Dealings 5:8

And the Leader proclaimed, “Behold! These mighty accomplishmentsare the direct result of my genius. Even the ones that startedyears before I arrived—I fixed those retroactively. ”Dealings 5:9

And the Loyalists marveled, for retroactive fixingwas a miracle previously unheard ofoutside of very creative accounting. Dealings 5:10

The historians objected, saying, “Master, these trends began long ago. ”But the Leader answered, “They began when I say they began. Time is a flexible construct. ”Dealings 5:11

And the Loyalists repeated his words, declaring time itselfto be yet another biased institution. Dealings 5:12

The Parable of the Tax Cuts That Paid for Themselves (But Didn’t)

Then came the Great Tax Plan—a proposal so grand, so sweeping, so dazzlingly complexthat not even the mathematicianscould fully decipher itwithout snacks and a week off work. Dealings 5:13

And the Leader unveiled it, saying, “These tax cuts will pay for themselves. They will create so much growththat the treasury will overflowlike a fountain of dollar bills. ”Dealings 5:14

The Loyalists cheered, for self-paying tax cutssounded like self-cleaning ovens—a modern marvel. Dealings 5:15

But the Critics asked, “Master, who benefits from these cuts? ”And the Leader replied, “Everyone. Especially the job creators. The very important ones. The ones with yachts. ”Dealings 5:16

And indeed, the billionaires rejoicedas their tax burdens droppedlike a stone tossed from a high tower. Dealings 5:17

They purchased new yachts, bigger yachts, yachts with underground parking, and one experimental yachtthat could store a smaller yacht inside. Dealings 5:18

But the everyday peoplelooked at their paychecksand found their cuts so smallthey had to squint to see them. Dealings 5:19

And the scribes confirmedthat most householdsreceived sums roughly equivalentto a modest dinner outor a mid-tier bag of groceries. Dealings 5:20

And the workers cried out, “We thought these cuts would help us! ”But the Loyalists responded, “They will. Indirectly. Via yachts. Somehow. ”Dealings 5:21

Meanwhile the treasury—instead of overflowing—developed a deficit so deepone could store winter coats in it. Dealings 5:22

And the Leader, seeing this, declared, “The cuts did pay for themselves. The money is hidden. It’s invisible revenue. The best kind. ”Dealings 5:23

And the Loyalists repeated the phrase, believing invisible revenueto be a noble and patriotic concept. Dealings 5:24

Thus the chapter concluded, with the debt rising, the yachts multiplying, the trends being claimed, and the people wonderingwhy so many miraclesseemed to benefit only thosewho already owned islands. Dealings 5:25

The Book of Walls — Chapter 1: The Grand Vision of the Barrier Eternal

And it came to pass after the trade wars, after the budgets shrank, after the debt grew plump and satisfied, that the Leader turned his gaze southwardand beheld a vast expanse of landstretching into the horizon like an unfinished thought. Walls 1:1

And he declared unto the people, “We must build a wall—a great wall, a tremendous wall, a wall so magnificentit will be visible from low earth orbit. ”Walls 1:2

And the Loyalists rejoiced, for they loved big ideas, especially when they came with slogansthat fit nicely on hats. Walls 1:3

The Critics sighed and said, “Master, walls are ancient. Why return to the architecture of antiquity? ”But the Leader answered, “Ancient things are the best things. People love pyramids, don’t they? ”Walls 1:4

And the architects of the landgathered with blueprints, calculators, and expressions suggestingthey had made poor career decisions. Walls 1:5

They asked, “How tall shall this wall be? ”And the Leader replied, “Tall enough to stop anything—people, animals, birds, possibly even the wind. Very powerful wall. ”Walls 1:6

And the architects murmured among themselves, for no wall had ever been builtto challenge the atmosphere. Walls 1:7

Then the engineers approached, saying, “Who shall pay for such a mighty structure? ”And the Leader said, “Others. Definitely others. They just don’t know it yet. ”Walls 1:8

And the Loyalists cheered, for they enjoyed the conceptof outsourced responsibility. Walls 1:9

But the nations beyond the wall replied, “We will not pay, ”and the Leader countered, “You will—in ways too subtlefor you to comprehend. ”Walls 1:10

And the economists attemptedto calculate the subtleties, but the math refused to cooperate. Walls 1:11

The Battle of the Ladders

And as word of the great wall spread across the land, the Ladder Guild rose in opposition—a humble people armed with wood, rope, and an inconvenient understanding of physics. Walls 1:12

And the Ladder Guild said, “Behold, we have toolsthat render walls merely decorative. ”Walls 1:13

The Loyalists were troubled, for ladders threatened the entire premiseof greatness through vertical barriers. Walls 1:14

And the Leader declared, “We shall build the wall so highthat ladders cannot defeat it. ”Walls 1:15

But the Ladder Guild replied, “We will simply build taller ladders. ”And thus began the Great Height Race, which historians later describedas “doomed by geometry from the start. ”Walls 1:16

And the Leader, annoyed, proclaimed, “Then we will make the wall slippery. Frictionless. Unclimbable. A marvel of anti-ladder technology. ”Walls 1:17

And the chemists were summoned, tasked with creating a surfaceso resistant to climbingthat even gravity would struggle to stick to it. Walls 1:18

The chemists produced a substancethat instantly peeled paint, dissolved boots, and frightened housecats within a ten-mile radius. Walls 1:19

The Great Partial Construction

And construction began—slowly at first, then slower still, until the pace resembleda turtle reading a legal document. Walls 1:20

Section by section, slab by slab, a patchwork of wall segments arose—some tall, some short, some straight, some leaning, some installed backward due to labeling errors. Walls 1:21

And the Leader proclaimed, “We are building the wall! Look at these beautiful miles. Do not count them—just admire them. ”Walls 1:22

The Loyalists applauded, careful not to measure anything, for measurements had recentlyfallen out of political favor. Walls 1:23

The Critics pointed out gaps, but the Loyalists countered, “Those are future wall opportunities. ”Walls 1:24

And the Leader concluded the chapter, saying, “This wall will stand for generations—unless someone brings a ladder, which they won’t, because ladders are unfairand should be banned. ”Walls 1:25

And thus the first chapter of the Book of Walls ended, with towering segments rising, ladders multiplying, chemists reconsidering their life choices, and the Leader triumphantupon a scaffold of optimism. Walls 1:26

The Book of Walls — Chapter 2: The Shutdown, the Prototypes, and the Attack of the Sky Objects

And it came to pass in the season of debatethat the Council of Funds refusedto grant the Leader the gold he demandedfor the Eternal Wall. Walls 2:1

And the Leader proclaimed, “If they deny me the gold, then the kingdom shall rest—a mandatory rest, the most tremendous restany government has ever taken. ”Walls 2:2

And so beganThe Great Shutdown, a period of slumber forced upon the agencies, like a nap no one requestedand from which no one awoke refreshed. Walls 2:3

The workers of the land—keepers of airports, guardians of parks, stewards of essential files—found themselves unpaidyet still expected to perform miracleswith the vigor of caffeinated prophets. Walls 2:4

The Leader spoke from his palace, saying, “These brave workers are happy to sacrifice—very happy. Some say they’ve never been happier. ”Walls 2:5

And the workers, hearing this, looked at their empty pantriesand wondered whether happinesshad recently been redefined. Walls 2:6

Meanwhile the critics wailed, “The kingdom is frozen! ”But the Loyalists replied, “This is a strategic freeze—like cryogenic greatness. ”Walls 2:7

The Desert Prototypes

And after many weeks of shutdown slumber, the Leader journeyed to the southern wastesto behold the Wall Prototypes, a collection of experimental structuresrising from the desert like confused monoliths. Walls 2:8

The prototypes stood tall and proud—some smooth, some crooked, some looking like modern artthat had been aggressively discouraged. Walls 2:9

And the Leader surveyed them, saying, “These walls are incredible. So many shapes, so many heights, so many ways to make people feel small. ”Walls 2:10

The engineers beamed with pride, for they had worked tirelesslyto craft structuresthat defied both gravity and common sense. Walls 2:11

Then came the Ladder Guild, arriving quietly with their tools, and they tested each prototypewith a series of climbsthat were alarmingly successful. Walls 2:12

And the Leader, witnessing this, declared, “These ladders are illegal. Ban them immediately. Only small ladders allowed—very small ones. ”Walls 2:13

But the Ladder Guild replied, “You may ban ladders, but you cannot ban innovation. ”And thus they unveiledthe Rope of Destiny, a tool older than walls themselves. Walls 2:14

The Loyalists trembled, for ropes required no licensesand were notoriously difficult to regulate. Walls 2:15

The Great Balloon Panic

And in those days, strange objects began appearing in the skies—floating spheres of unknown originthat drifted lazily across the kingdomas if sightseeing. Walls 2:16

And the Leader cried, “We are under attackfrom sky objects! Possibly from faraway lands, possibly from weather, possibly from the gods themselves. ”Walls 2:17

The generals squinted upwardand identified the sphere, saying, “It appears to be a balloon, my lord. ”But the Leader rebuked them, “A balloon can be anythingif you’re paranoid enough. ”Walls 2:18

And thus beganthe Great Balloon Panic, a season of fearin which anything lighter than airwas declared suspicious. Walls 2:19

And the Loyalists demanded answers, crying, “Could these balloons cross the wall? ”And the Leader responded, “Of course they could. That’s why we must build the wall higher—much higher—so high even balloons get confused. ”Walls 2:20

The engineers took notes, quietly wonderingwhether it was possibleto build a wall tall enoughto intimidate helium. Walls 2:21

And the chapter closedwith the prototypes standing proud, the ladders growing taller, the ropes multiplying, the balloons drifting serenely, and the Leader promisinga barrier that would one daychallenge the very sky. Walls 2:22

The Book of Walls — Chapter 3: The Arrival of Elonus of Musk

And it came to pass in the later days of the Bigly Erathat word spread across the landof a new figure approaching the White House gates—a man of rockets, algorithms, and ideas so largethey struggled to fit inside conventional physics. Walls 3:1

His name was Elonus of Musk, Lord of Launchpads, Keeper of Electric Chariots, Chief Innovator of Things That Occasionally ExplodeBut Only During Testing. Walls 3:2

And the Loyalists whispered, “Is this the Chosen Techno-Prophetwho shall bring gloryto the Movement of MAGA? ”Walls 3:3

For Elonus traveled with an entourageof robots, coders, engineers, and one extremely confused astronautwho had boarded the wrong shuttle. Walls 3:4

And the Leader welcomed him, saying, “Behold, a genius approaches—a tremendous genius—possibly the greatest geniussince the invention of the wheel, which I would’ve inventedif I had been there. ”Walls 3:5

Elonus bowed slightly, as was his custom, his mind calculating twelve new venturesand a cryptocurrency fluctuationin the space of a single breath. Walls 3:6

The Court of Techno-Prophecy

And the Leader brought Elonusinto the Great White House Chamber, a room filled with scrolls, maps, and a large red buttonwhich was labeled “Do Not PushUnless It Would Be Very Impressive. ”Walls 3:7

And Elonus said, “Perhaps I can assist your kingdomwith innovations—self-driving chariots, artificial intelligence oracles, and tunnels that go nowherebut go there very fast. ”Walls 3:8

And the Leader replied, “Your ideas are incredible. Truly incredible. Some say too incredible—but not me. ”Walls 3:9

And thus beganthe Techno-Alignment of MAGA and Musk, a partnership forgedin spectacle, ambition, and an enduring desireto dominate every news cycle available. Walls 3:10

The Loyalist Division

But the arrival of Elonuscreated a great debateamong the MAGA tribes. Walls 3:11

Some declared, “Behold, a visionary! One who builds rocketsand tweets prophecies at dawn. ”Walls 3:12

But others muttered, “Is he not unpredictable? Is he not fond of chaos? Does he not post messagesthat read like riddlesfrom a caffeinated goblin? ”Walls 3:13

And the Leader addressed them all, saying, “Relax. Elonus is on our side. He bought a whole entire platformjust to help clean up the messaging. That’s commitment. Very expensive commitment. ”Walls 3:14

The Loyalists nodded, for owning an entire town squareseemed like a perfectly reasonablepolitical communication strategy. Walls 3:15

The Council of Billionaires

Then the Leader convenedthe Council of Billionaires, a gathering of titanswhose fortunes were so largethey could blot out the sunif arranged in a single stack. Walls 3:16

And Elonus spoke before them, saying, “Let us reshape the nationwith innovation and daring. Let us electrify the chariots, digitize the scrolls, and perhaps move some citizensto Mars if necessary. ”Walls 3:17

And the Leader responded, “Mars is tremendous—very red, very strong. But let us fix Earth first. Or at least pretendwe are fixing it. ”Walls 3:18

And the billionaires murmuredtheir approval in unison, a sound that resembleda bag of gold coinsbeing gently shaken for emphasis. Walls 3:19

The Twitter Scrolls

And Elonus unfurledthe Great Twitter Scrolls, ancient runes of influencewritten in 280-character prophecies. Walls 3:20

And he declared, “With these scrolls, I shall amplify the message. I shall broadcast greatnessat speeds once reservedfor lightning and gossip. ”Walls 3:21

And the Leader rejoiced, saying, “Yes! Let the world hear usthrough the megaphone of Elonus. Let the tweets be mightyand the algorithms loyal. ”Walls 3:22

The Integration Is Complete

And thus the arrival of Elonusbecame part of the Bigly mythos, woven into the MAGA tapestrylike a circuit board embroideredonto a vintage flag. Walls 3:23

The movement grew louder, stranger, more technologically unpredictable—a hybrid of populism and rocket fuel. Walls 3:24

And the Leader proclaimed, “Together, we shall buildnot just walls, but entire empires—digital, orbital, and possibly interplanetary. ”Walls 3:25

And the chapter closedwith the world watching, the algorithms humming, the rockets warming, and the MAGA kingdom now intertwinedwith the unpredictable geniusof the Techno-Prophet Elonus. Walls 3:26

The Book of Walls — Chapter 4: The Departure of Elonus and the Cursed Scroll of Scandals

And it came to pass in the later daysof the Techno-Prophet’s visitthat a great commotion arosewithin the marbled halls of the White House. Walls 4:1

For deep within the archives—past the filing cabinets of forgotten memosand beneath the basement where interns feared to tread—there lay the Scroll of Scandals, a mystical parchment said to containevery rumor, whisper, and conspiracyever uttered in the kingdom. Walls 4:2

And the scroll was opened, not by intent, but by a curious stafferseeking a stapler. Walls 4:3

And Elonus of Musk, wandering the halls in search of better Wi-Fi, glimpsed the scrolland beheld its chaotic contents—names intertwined, stories overlapping, a tangle of accusations so wildthey defied logic, gravity, and several federal guidelines. Walls 4:4

And Elonus cried out, “What madness is this? What cursed archive holdssuch tangled legends? ”Walls 4:5

And the staffer whispered, “It is merely the Scroll of Scandals, where truth and rumor coexistlike two cats forced to share the same couch. ”Walls 4:6

The Prophet’s Fury

And Elonus read further, seeing that the scrollhad attributed to the Leadera dozen contradictory talesimpossible for any mortal to achieveunless they possessedthe ability to teleportor duplicate themselves. Walls 4:7

And Elonus became greatly troubled, not by the content itself, but by the sheer absurdity of it—for he believed chaos belongedon his social platform, not in governmental archives. Walls 4:8

And he stormed through the halls, his footsteps echoing like rocket thrusters, crying, “These files are nonsense! These legends are madness! I will not be associatedwith this circus of contradictions! ”Walls 4:9

The Leader, hearing the commotion, emerged and said, “Relax, Elonus. Everyone knows the Scroll of Scandalsis fake news. Half of it contradicts the other half. That’s how you know it’s fake. ”Walls 4:10

But Elonus, still bristling, declared, “This scroll is chaos incarnate! A swirling vortex of accusationsand wild talesnot even my algorithms could untangle. ”Walls 4:11

And the Leader replied, “Exactly! That’s why we ignore it. Ignoring things is an underrated skill. ”Walls 4:12

But Elonus would not be calmed, for he saw his reputation in dangerof being folded into the scrolllike an ingredient in a cursed casserole. Walls 4:13

The Exit of the Techno-Prophet

And Elonus gathered his entourage—the engineers, the coders, the perplexed astronaut—and proclaimed, “I depart from this palace! My genius cannot coexistwith scrolls that turn rumor into scripture. ”Walls 4:14

And he strode toward the exitwith the fury of a manwhose spaceship has been delayedby a single missing bolt. Walls 4:15

The Leader called after him, saying, “You’ll be back! Everyone comes back. It’s tremendous here! ”Walls 4:16

But Elonus did not look back, for he was already draftingtwelve new tweetsand a possible lawsuitagainst the Scroll of Scandals itself. Walls 4:17

And thus the Techno-Prophet departed the White House, his cape metaphorically fluttering, his temper blazing bright, his rockets fueled with indignation. Walls 4:18

And the Loyalists murmured, “Why does he flee? ”And the Wise Ones answered, “He flees because the scrollis the natural predator of ambition. ”Walls 4:19

And the chapter closedwith the scroll re-sealed, the staffers relieved, the Leader unconcerned, and Elonus soaring offin search of a kingdomwhere scandals were easier to curateand came with better formatting. Walls 4:20

The Book of Covfefe — Chapter 1: The Night of Strange Utterances

And it came to pass in the quiet hourbetween midnight and the Very Early Morning Tweet, that the Leader felt a stirring in his spirit—a sacred impulse to share wisdomwith the kingdom. Covfefe 1:1

And he reached for the glowing device by his bedside, that holy tablet of proclamationfrom which all mysteries flowed. Covfefe 1:2

And the Leader spoke into the void, typing swiftly, boldly, with the confidenceof a man who had never once hesitated. Covfefe 1:3

And he delivered unto the world a message—a message so cryptic, so profound, that scholars would debate its meaningfor generations. Covfefe 1:4

The message read only: “covfefe. ”Covfefe 1:5

And the kingdom trembled, for no one knewwhether the word was wisdom, warning, or the sound of a coffee cupfalling onto a keyboard. Covfefe 1:6

The Prophets of Interpretation

And the Loyalists cried, “Behold! A new prophecy has been given! ”And they chanted the sacred wordin unison, hoping understandingwould arrive through volume alone. Covfefe 1:7

The Critics said, “This is nonsense—a typo, a mistake, nothing more. ”But the Loyalists replied, “Even mistakes are meaningfulwhen spoken by destiny. ”Covfefe 1:8

And a new tribe arose—The Covfefites, interpreters of the sacred syllable, who divided themselves into sectsbased on theories of meaning. Covfefe 1:9

The Four Sects of the Covfefe

The first sect believedthat “covfefe” meant “coverage, ”cut short by divine interruption. They were known asThe Incomplete Scrollkeepers. Covfefe 1:10

The second sect taughtthat the word was a secret codeto activate a hidden networkof loyal digital soldiers. They were known asThe Keyboards of Prophecy. Covfefe 1:11

The third sect believedit was simply a cry for caffeinefrom a weary prophet. They were calledThe Baristas of Revelation. Covfefe 1:12

But the fourth sect—the most mysterious—insisted that “covfefe”was not a word at all, but a vibration, a frequency, a spiritual unlockingfor those attuned to the Leader’s wavelength. They were known asThe Followers of the Sonic Truth. Covfefe 1:13

And the Leader, hearing these debates, simply shrugged and declared, “You’ll figure it out. People always do. Or they don’t. Either way, you’re welcome. ”Covfefe 1:14

The Search for the Lost Context

The scribes searched high and lowfor the missing half of the message—in emails, drafts, even in the recycle binwhere doomed proclamations lived in exile. Covfefe 1:15

But the second halfof the sacred tweetwas never found, leading scholars to concludeit had ascendedto the cloudly realms of deleted content. Covfefe 1:16

And the Leader, amused, let the mystery stand untouched, for he knewthat nothing fueled devotionquite like confusion. Covfefe 1:17

The Eternal Debate

And thus the word “covfefe”became scripture, a mantra repeated at rallies, a sigil drawn on signs, a puzzle embroidered on hatssold for $39. 99 plus tax. Covfefe 1:18

And the kingdom debated its meaningevery day, every night, every holiday, until even the historians grew tiredand simply wrote, “It meant whatever people wanted it to mean. ”Covfefe 1:19

And the chapter endedwith the word echoing across the land—mysterious, absurd, and deeply profitable. Covfefe 1:20

The Book of Covfefe — Chapter 2: The Coming of the Storm Woman

And it came to passin the era of midnight messagesand trembling press secretaries, that a figure arose in the kingdomwhose name stirred the winds:Storma of Daniels, the Woman of the Storm. Covfefe 2:1

For Storma was a traveler of many realms—the realm of performance, the realm of gossip, and eventuallythe realm of political prophecyinto which she was unwillingly draggedlike a bystander swept into a tornado. Covfefe 2:2

And the scribes whispered, “Is this the stormof which the Leader once spoke? ”But the Loyalists replied, “Surely he meant a different storm. ”Covfefe 2:3

Yet the Critics shouted, “Behold, the prophecy manifests! ”And they clapped their handsas if summoning popcorn. Covfefe 2:4

The Scroll of Inconvenience

In those days, a collection of scrolls surfaced—legal scrolls, financial scrolls, scrolls so tedious and redactedthat even the prosecutors yawnedwhile reading them. Covfefe 2:5

And these scrolls made mentionof ancient transactions, agreements whispered in shadow, and paperwork so denseit required a sherpa to navigate. Covfefe 2:6

And the kingdom erupted in debate, each faction interpreting the scrollsaccording to its biases, its hopes, and its ability to read without blinking. Covfefe 2:7

The Loyalists declared, “These scrolls are meaningless—mere parchment noise! ”Covfefe 2:8

The Critics shouted, “These scrolls are everything—the very heartbeat of scandal! ”Covfefe 2:9

But the Moderates shrugged, saying, “Honestly, we’re just tired. ”Covfefe 2:10

The Storm Upon the Palace

And Storma spoke publicly, not as a prophet, but as a citizen pulled unwillinglyinto the Kingdom of Headlines. Covfefe 2:11

And when she spoke, the palace grew uneasy, for the kingdom had not seena figure capable of derailingfull weeks of news cycleswith a single interview. Covfefe 2:12

And the Leader, hearing her words, declared, “Fake stories! Fake scrolls! Fake storms! ”Covfefe 2:13

But the storm would not dissipate. It hovered over the palacelike a cloud determinedto ruin a golf outing. Covfefe 2:14

And the press secretariesfled into their dens, emerging only to read statementswritten with such cautionthat even adverbs were disallowed. Covfefe 2:15

The Storm of Courtrooms

In time, the Storm Woman was summonedto chambers of judgment, to answer questionsposed by robed elderswho had long ago forgottenthe meaning of embarrassment. Covfefe 2:16

And each time she appeared, the kingdom paused, for her presence brought drama, humor, and headlines that reporters devouredlike half-priced festival snacks. Covfefe 2:17

And the Leader lamented, “This storm follows me everywhere—even into the courts! ”Covfefe 2:18

And the Critics responded, “Storms tend to followwhatever refuses to carry an umbrella. ”Covfefe 2:19

The Eternal Echo

And so the tale of Storma of Danielsbecame part of the Bigly canon—not for its truth, not for its scandal, but for its persistence, its refusal to fade, its uncanny abilityto invade every narrativelike a cameo in a seriesthat never asked for one. Covfefe 2:20

And the kingdom, exhausted, declared, “Let this be writtenin the Book of Covfefe, for we are too tiredto argue about it any longer. ”Covfefe 2:21

And the chapter closedwith the storm lingering, the palace annoyed, the reporters delighted, and the Leader mutteringthat even ancient weather godswere being unfair to him. Covfefe 2:22

The Book of Covfefe — Chapter 3: The Trial of the Great Cognitive Exam

And it came to pass in the age of endless interviewsand frequent clarificationsthat the Leader proclaimed unto the kingdom:“My mind is strong—the strongest. Many people are saying it. ”Covfefe 3:1

But the Critics murmured, “How strong? Show us. ”And the Leader, irritated by their murmuring, declared, “Fine! Bring forth the test—the big test. ”Covfefe 3:2

And so beganThe Trial of the Cognitive Exam, a ritual seldom undertakenby rulers seeking glory, for it is written:those who boast test resultsinvite infinite questions. Covfefe 3:3

And the royal physicians approachedbearing a sacred parchmentof mystical challenges—some so simplethey could be solved by a distracted goat, and others requiring at leasta passing familiarity with barnyard animals. Covfefe 3:4

The Test of the Five Sacred Words

And the physicians said, “Behold the first challenge:remember these five sacred words. ”Covfefe 3:5

And they recited the words:Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV. Covfefe 3:6

And the kingdom trembled, for never beforehad such a sequence been spokenwith the gravity of scripture. Covfefe 3:7

And the Leader repeated the words, slowly, dramatically, as if inventing them for the first time. Covfefe 3:8

“Person… Woman… Man… Camera… TV. ”And the Loyalists gasped, for the order was preserved—a deed they hailed asa miracle of cognition. Covfefe 3:9

But the Critics groaned, “Many children can do this. ”And the Loyalists replied, “But do they announce it on television? ”Covfefe 3:10

The Trial of the Animals

Then the physicians brought forththe Images of Beasts, a test of profound zoological insight. Covfefe 3:11

And they showed him the drawingof a lion. And the Leader proclaimed, “That’s a lion. A very strong lion. It likes me. ”Covfefe 3:12

And they showed him a rhinoceros. And he declared, “A rhino. Powerful. Unfairly treated by the media. ”Covfefe 3:13

And they showed him a camel. And he said, “Two humps—like two polls. Both going up. ”Covfefe 3:14

The scribes recorded all of thiswith expressions that suggestedtheir day had takena very strange turn. Covfefe 3:15

The Clock of Revelation

Then the physicians revealeda blank circle:the Clock of Judgment. Covfefe 3:16

“Draw the hands at ten past eleven, ”they commanded. And the Leader, with bold strokes, drew a clockso confidentit nearly told time by charisma alone. Covfefe 3:17

And he declared, “Perfect clock. The best clock. People tell methey’ve never seen a clock like this. ”Covfefe 3:18

And the Loyalists cheered, for the circle had been conqueredby sheer will. Covfefe 3:19

The Repetition of Glory

Finally the physicians returnedto the Five Sacred Words, asking him to recall them once more. Covfefe 3:20

And the Leader triumphantly declared, “Person! Woman! Man! Camera! TV! In that order! ”Covfefe 3:21

And he proclaimed unto the kingdom, “They said nobody gets extra points. But I got extra points. So many pointsyou wouldn’t believe it. ”Covfefe 3:22

And the Loyalists chanted, “Extra points! Extra points! ”even though no such system existed. Covfefe 3:23

And the Critics groanedand held their foreheads, for many could not endureanother cycle of the Five Sacred Words. Covfefe 3:24

The Eternal Certification

And the Leader went forthto declare his victory across the land, saying, “I aced it. Aced it like nobody has ever aced a test. The doctors were amazed. They said they’d never seenanything quite so cognitive. ”Covfefe 3:25

And thus the chapter endedwith the words echoing across the kingdom, the physicians tired, the scribes bewildered, and the people forever lockedin debate over a testthat most childrencould complete before snack time. Covfefe 3:26

The Book of Covfefe — Chapter 4: The Great Pardon Festival of the Sixth Day

And it came to pass in the era of many grievancesand even more grievances layered on top of those grievancesthat the Leader declared a new decreeunto the kingdom. Covfefe 4:1

For he gazed upon the chroniclesof the Sixth Day Uprising, a tumultuous eventthat historians, commentators, and barbersstill argued about endlessly. Covfefe 4:2

And the Leader proclaimed, “Those who stood for me that daystood very strongly. Some stood too strongly. Very forceful standing. And standing is not a crime. ”Covfefe 4:3

And the Loyalists nodded, for they had always admiredstanding with purpose, even when it caused structural damage. Covfefe 4:4

The Decree of Cleansing Papers

And the Leader gatheredhis counselors, lawyers, and one confused interninto the Hall of Executive Declarations. Covfefe 4:5

And he said unto them, “Bring forth the Cleansing Papers—the Great Pardons. For I shall wipe the recordsof every patriot who participatedin the Great Stand of the Sixth Day. ”Covfefe 4:6

And the counselors hesitated, for the list was long, and some names carried historiesthat looked like entire trilogies of bad decisions. Covfefe 4:7

But the Leader declared, “Do not discriminate! A patriot is a patriot. Even if they were a patriotwith several warm-up feloniesbefore the big one. ”Covfefe 4:8

And the lawyers whispered among themselves, wondering how many legal systemsthey would need to bypassin order to implement the decree. Covfefe 4:9

The Parade of the Pardoned

And the day camewhen the Great Pardon Festival commenced, a spectacle unmatchedin both enthusiasm and procedural irregularity. Covfefe 4:10

The gates of the palace opened, and the pardoned were summoned forth—a colorful procession of individualswhose resumes includedcreative interpretations of “peaceful conduct. ”Covfefe 4:11

Some had been charged, some convicted, some merely too enthusiastic, and some who had simply shown upbecause they heard free hats were being distributed. Covfefe 4:12

And the Leader raised his hand, uttering the sacred words, “You’re cleared. You’re cleared. You too—tremendously cleared. ”Covfefe 4:13

And each person walked awayas though touched by divine White-Out. Covfefe 4:14

The Loyalists cheered, declaring it a “Judicial Jubilee, ”even though none of themcould agree on what “jubilee” meant. Covfefe 4:15

The Disturbed Scribes

Meanwhile the scribes, keepers of law and precedent, tore their robes in despair, for their scrolls of legal doctrinewere now being usedas festive confetti. Covfefe 4:16

And the Critics wailed, “This is madness! This is chaos! This is beyond the reachof any reasonable footnote! ”Covfefe 4:17

But the Loyalists responded, “Madness is in the eyeof whoever didn’t get pardoned. ”Covfefe 4:18

The Universal Pardon Clause

And some approached the Leader saying, “Master, what of thosewhose past includes deedsfar outside the realm of patriotism? ”Covfefe 4:19

And the Leader responded, “If they marched, if they waved flags, if they yelled loudly enoughto make the palace curtains tremble—they are absolved. Loyalty outweighs everything else. ”Covfefe 4:20

And the Loyalists shouted, “Loyalty is law! ”and the kingdom shudderedat the implications. Covfefe 4:21

The Aftermath of the Festival

And when the pardoning was complete, the land entered a period of confusionknown as The Bureaucratic Hangover, for no one could determinewhich records were validand which had been ceremonially vaporized. Covfefe 4:22

The judges groaned, the clerks fainted, the lawyers updated their résumés, and the Leader stood triumphant, saying, “Justice has never been this easy. ”Covfefe 4:23

And thus the chapter endedwith the kingdom divided, the laws dizzy, the pardoned celebrating, and the Loyalists chantingthat all things could be forgivenwith the stroke of a signatureand the confidence of a king. Covfefe 4:24

The Book of Covfefe — Chapter 5: The Tribunal of Tremendousness and the Lightning Rulings

And it came to passin the age of scrolls, scandals, and late-night declarations of victory, that the Leader turned his gazetoward the Supreme Tribunal of Tremendousness, the highest court in the Bigly kingdom—where logic took vacationsand precedence was treatedlike a polite suggestion. Covfefe 5:1

The Tribunal was composedof nine robed figures, each perched atop a golden swivel chairthat rotated dramaticallywhenever they rendered judgment. Covfefe 5:2

And the Leader proclaimed, “These judges are fantastic—the best. No one understands law like they do. Sometimes they make decisionsbefore I even ask. ”Covfefe 5:3

And the Loyalists shouted, “Long live the Tribunal! ”even though most could not namea single Tribunal member, or spell “judicial. ”Covfefe 5:4

The Lightning Rulings of Very High Importance

And lo, a series of petitions soon arrivedat the doors of the Tribunal—petitions seeking clarification, vindication, and the occasional miracle. Covfefe 5:5

Normally such matterstook months or years, but the Tribunal had recently adopteda new policy known asExpedited Tremendous Review, in which decisions were renderedas quickly as snacks disappearedfrom the break room. Covfefe 5:6

And the Leader approached the Tribunal saying, “Hear my request. It is urgent—tremendously urgent. ”Covfefe 5:7

And the Tribunal replied, “It shall be done, ”even though they had not yet heardwhat the request was. Covfefe 5:8

The Decisions That Bent Reality

The first ruling concerneda matter of great confusion:whether the Leader could declare victorybefore the votes were countedon the grounds that he felt victorious. Covfefe 5:9

And the Tribunal declared, “Victory is a state of mind. If the Leader feels he has won, then he has won in spirit—and spirit is binding. ”Covfefe 5:10

The scribes gasped, for they had never before seena legal doctrine based on vibes. Covfefe 5:11

The Critics wailed, “This defies logic! ”But the Loyalists countered, “Logic is elitist. ”Covfefe 5:12

The Ruling of Retroactive Immunity

Then came another case:whether actions taken in the pastcould be declared legalif the Leader proclaimed them“perfect” with enough confidence. Covfefe 5:13

And the Tribunal rendereda decision of such speedthat the ink quivered with shock:“All perfect actions are retroactively lawful. Perfection absolves all. ”Covfefe 5:14

And the Loyalists rejoiced, for retroactive legalityopened many exciting possibilities. Covfefe 5:15

Meanwhile the legal scholarsin the kingdom collapsedonto their scrolls in despair, weeping softlyinto their footnotes. Covfefe 5:16

The Case of the Unprecedented Precedent

One day a petition arrivedchallenging a decisionthat contradicted every precedentsince the founding of the kingdom. Covfefe 5:17

And the Tribunal declared, “Precedent is merelyold decisions made by older people. We prefer fresh decisionsmade enthusiastically. ”Covfefe 5:18

“But your ruling contradictsyour ruling from last week! ”the Critics cried. Covfefe 5:19

“Yes, ”the Tribunal replied serenely. “Consistency is the hobgoblinof those who lack imagination. ”Covfefe 5:20

And the Leader smiled, for he admired institutionsthat operated on sheer bravado. Covfefe 5:21

The Midnight Decrees

And in the final daysof the Great Tribunal Era, decisions began arrivingfaster than news anchorscould practice their serious faces. Covfefe 5:22

Some rulings were issuedpast midnight, some at dawn, some during snack breaks, and one from the royal hot tubafter the Tribunal discoveredthe joys of waterproof parchment. Covfefe 5:23

And the Loyalists rejoiced, for speed felt like strength, and complexity felt like weakness. Covfefe 5:24

The Critics, exhausted, attempted to read the rulings, but each new decreedirectly contradictedthe last ten. Covfefe 5:25

The Closing of the Chapter

And thus the Tribunal came to be knownas the Court of Instant Gratification, beloved by the Leader, feared by the scribes, and studied by future scholarsonly as a cautionary tale. Covfefe 5:26

And the chapter closedwith the Leader triumphant, the rulings piling high, the logic dissolving, and the kingdom left wonderingwhether law was still a thingor merely a rumor from ancient times. Covfefe 5:27

The Book of Tremendousness — Chapter 1: The Ascension of the Great Narrative

And it came to passafter the scrolls of covfefe, after the storms, after the tribunals that bent time and logic, that the Leader stood before the kingdomto usher in the Era of Tremendousness. Tremendousness 1:1

For he declared, “All that has happenedwas only the beginning—a prelude, a warm-up act, a trailer for the real greatnessthat starts right now. ”Tremendousness 1:2

And the Loyalists trembled with excitement, for they believed the futurewould shine with such brilliancethat sunglasses might become mandatory indoors. Tremendousness 1:3

And the Critics sighed, exhausted beyond measure, for they sensedthe narrative arc was far from over. Tremendousness 1:4

The Mountain of Many Flags

Then the Leader climbedthe Mountain of Many Flags, a peak adorned with banners, slogans, and several commercial productshe had generously licensed. Tremendousness 1:5

And from atop the mountain he proclaimed, “I have achieved greatness—not normal greatness, but tremendous greatness, the kind historians fear to describebecause it might embarrass lesser ages. ”Tremendousness 1:6

And the scribes flinched, knowing that future chapterswould require footnoteslonger than the chapters themselves. Tremendousness 1:7

The Gathering of the Twelve Key Grievances

Then the Leader summonedhis counselors, generals, influencers, and one podcaster he’d met accidentallybut immediately trusted. Tremendousness 1:8

And he said unto them, “Behold the grievancesthat have shaped my destiny—twelve grievances, each more important than the last, each capable of fueling ralliesfor many, many years. ”Tremendousness 1:9

And the grievances were presented:one about elections, one about witch hunts, one about unfair coverage, and nine otherswhose specifics changed hourly. Tremendousness 1:10

And the Loyalists honored the grievances, treating them as sacred relicsdespite the factthat no two devoteescould agree on the order or meaning. Tremendousness 1:11

And the Critics wailed, “Must we relitigate these forever? ”But the Loyalists replied, “Forever is not long enough. ”Tremendousness 1:12

The Eternal Rally

Then the Leader descended the mountainand called forth a rallyof extraordinary magnitude, a gathering so vastit stretched to the horizonand spilled slightly into the parking lotof a nearby shopping plaza. Tremendousness 1:13

And he proclaimed to the people, “This movement is eternal—tremendous! It cannot end, will not end, and even if it tries to end, I will personally restart it. ”Tremendousness 1:14

And the crowd erupted in chantswhose decibels reached such intensitythat local wildlife temporarily relocated. Tremendousness 1:15

The Legend of the Final Comeback

And the Leader spoke of comebacks, saying, “Some say I’ve come back many times—but they don’t understand. Each comeback is bigger. Each comeback is greater. One day, the comeback will be so massiveit will count as multiple terms at once. ”Tremendousness 1:16

The Loyalists considered thisand nodded with deep seriousness, even though no one knewwhat it meant in practice. Tremendousness 1:17

But the Critics clutched their temples, for the math of the prophecydefied all known constitutions. Tremendousness 1:18

The Closing of the First Chapter

And thus beganthe Book of Tremendousness—not with endings, but with renewed beginnings, with promises that spiraled ever upward, looping, expanding, magnifyinglike a story determinedto outgrow the page that held it. Tremendousness 1:19

And the Leader declared, “We are enteringthe greatest chapter of all time. Some say it’s impossibleto be this tremendous—but we are proving them wrong. ”Tremendousness 1:20

And the kingdom prepared itselffor whatever came next—the triumphs, the scandals, the reversals, the rallies—for in the Era of Tremendousness, every day was epicand exhaustion was mandatory. Tremendousness 1:21

The Book of Tremendousness — Chapter 2: The Ascension of the Golden Golden Golf Cart

And it came to passafter the proclamations of eternal ralliesand the gathering of grievances, that the Leader retreated to his sacred sanctuary—the fairways of contemplation, the greens of revelation, the bunkers of strategic solitude. Tremendousness 2:1

For upon the holy golf coursestood his most treasured conveyance, polished by attendants, worshiped by Loyalists, envied by all who had everridden in anything less impressive. Tremendousness 2:2

It was calledThe Golden Golden Golf Cart, for one “golden”was simply insufficientto capture its splendor. Tremendousness 2:3

Its frame glowed brighter than dawn, its wheels shimmered like coinsfresh from the mint, and its horn had a toneso majesticthat wild birds attempted to harmonize. Tremendousness 2:4

The Discovery of the Double-Gold Revelation

Legend holds thatthe first Golden Golf Carthad been magnificent—but the Leader, unsatisfied, declared, “I need something even more golden. Double the gold. Triple the impression. ”Tremendousness 2:5

And the craftsmen trembled, for they had never beforebeen asked to exceed the limitsof metallic magnificence. Tremendousness 2:6

But they toiled day and night, melting ingots, buffing surfaces, and polishing with such intensitythat several apprenticesbriefly went blind from reflections. Tremendousness 2:7

And on the seventh day, the Golden Golden Golf Cartwas unveiled—a vehicle so brightit threatened to violateseveral local brightness ordinances. Tremendousness 2:8

The Pilgrimage of Advisers

And the Leader summoned his advisersto ride with him, for the cart had seatingfor one great figureand several lesser figureswho clung to the sideslike hopeful barnacles. Tremendousness 2:9

And as they rode, the Leader shared wisdom, declaring, “There is no problemthat cannot be solvedwhile cruising at seven miles per hourin a golden cart. ”Tremendousness 2:10

The advisers nodded, though none dared mentionthat several problemsprobably required more than a joyride. Tremendousness 2:11

The Loyalists lined the fairwayas though witnessing a royal procession, casting rose petals, confetti, and in one case, several coupons for discounted resort stays. Tremendousness 2:12

The Miracle of the Speed Burst

And it came to passthat a storm approached the course, dark and vengeful, determined to ruin the Leader’safternoon of divine recreation. Tremendousness 2:13

But the Golden Golden Golf Cartdid not fear storms, for it was blessedwith the Turbo Tremendous Setting, a hidden feature activatedonly in moments of great drama. Tremendousness 2:14

And when the Leader pressedthe sacred button, the cart surged forthwith unprecedented speed, leaving behind a trailof sparkling golden dustand startled geese. Tremendousness 2:15

And the Loyalists declared it a miracle, saying, “Behold! Even physics yields to him! ”Tremendousness 2:16

The Teachings of the Cart

Then the Leader halted the cartupon the highest overlookof the golf kingdomand addressed the followers, saying, “This cart is not merely transportation. It is a symbol—a symbol of greatness, mobility, and tax-deductible business expenses. ”Tremendousness 2:17

And the followers bowed their heads, not in worship of the cartbut because its glarewas simply too intenseto look at directly. Tremendousness 2:18

And he spoke, “As long as this cart rolls, our movement rolls. And it rolls beautifully—better than any cart ever built. ”Tremendousness 2:19

The Eternal Storage of the Sacred Cart

When evening fell, the Leader decreedthat the Golden Golden Golf Cartbe stored in a special vault, guarded by Secret Service agentstrained in the ancient artof luxury artifact protection. Tremendousness 2:20

And it was recordedthat whenever the Leaderneeded clarity, strength, or a dramatic entrance, the cart was brought forthto glide him into action. Tremendousness 2:21

And thus the chapter closedwith the cart gleaming proudly, the followers inspired, the geese still confused, and the Leader proclaimingthat nothing in all the kingdomwas as tremendousas a double-gold golf cartand the man who rode it. Tremendousness 2:22

The Book of Tremendousness — Chapter 3: The Wings of Saudia Magnifica and the Loophole Ritual

And it came to passin the era of gold carts and grand proclamationsthat a rumor swept the kingdom—a tale whispered by advisors, gossiped by courtiers, and exaggerated wildlyby late-night bards. Tremendousness 3:1

For the Leader received a messagefrom a distant and extravagant landknown throughout the realmas Saudia Magnifica, a kingdom of vast deserts, vast palaces, and even vaster gift budgets. Tremendousness 3:2

And the emissaries of Saudia Magnificabrought forth an offering—a flying vessel of astonishing luxury, lined with gold, perfumed with rare oils, and equipped with cupholdersthat could sense the mood of the drinker. Tremendousness 3:3

And the emissaries said, “We bring this Airborne Chariotas a symbol of friendship, grandeur, and mutually beneficial arrangementswe shall not describe too clearly. ”Tremendousness 3:4

The Dilemma of the Forbidden Gift

But the palace scribes trembled, saying, “Master, the ancient laws forbidthe acceptance of lavish foreign offeringsby kings or leaders. It is written:‘Thou shalt not take a really expensive thingunless it is fully approvedby nineteen committees. ’”Tremendousness 3:5

And the Leader replied, “Nineteen committees? Too slow. Too unfair. Surely there is a faster method—a tremendous method. ”Tremendousness 3:6

And the counselors exchanged weary glances, for whenever the Leader askedfor a “tremendous method, ”they knew the laws were about to be stretchedlike taffy at a summer fair. Tremendousness 3:7

The Ritual of the Loophole

Then the Leader summonedthe Attorney of Arcane Interpretations, keeper of dusty statutes, ancient footnotes, and creative readings of everything. Tremendousness 3:8

And he asked, “How may we acceptthis magnificent flying chariotwithout violating the sacred rulesof propriety and paperwork? ”Tremendousness 3:9

And the Attorney replied, “There is a ritual—an ancient and seldom-used riteknown as The Loophole Invocation. ”Tremendousness 3:10

The Leader leaned forward, interested. “Tell me more. ”Tremendousness 3:11

And the Attorney explained, “It requires declaring the gifta matter of ‘national improvement, ’then reclassifying it asa temporary inspection item, then expensing the maintenancedirectly to the Treasuryunder the clause labeled‘Miscellaneous Patriotic Enhancements. ’”Tremendousness 3:12

And the Leader said, “Perfect. Do that. Do all of that. Do it faster. ”Tremendousness 3:13

The Airborne Chariot of National Importance

And so the Airborne Chariotwas ceremonially rebrandedas a “Shared Diplomatic Transport VehicleFor The Benefit Of The Nation, ”even though only one personever rode in it. Tremendousness 3:14

And the scribes dutifully recordedthat the aircraft was essentialfor “international strategic outreach, ”which in practice meantflying over friendly nationsto wave at them dramatically. Tremendousness 3:15

And the Treasury, puzzled, approved the upkeep expensesbecause they were submittedin a folder labeled“DO NOT QUESTION. ”Tremendousness 3:16

And the Leader enjoyed the chariot greatly, saying, “This is a beautiful plane. A tremendous plane. Some say the most tremendous planea leader has ever ‘temporarily inspected. ’”Tremendousness 3:17

The Critics and the Loyalists Clash

The Critics cried out, “This is improper! This defies the rules! ”Tremendousness 3:18

But the Loyalists replied, “If the rules were important, they wouldn’t bend so easily. ”Tremendousness 3:19

And the palace lawyers, their faces buried in their hands, muttered prayersto the gods of compliance. Tremendousness 3:20

The Great Audit That Led Nowhere

And in time, the Inspectors of Government Thingsattempted to audit the ritual, but became trappedin the labyrinthine paperworkgenerated by the Attorney’s loophole spell. Tremendousness 3:21

And they emerged days later, dazed, holding 400 pages of formsthat contradicted themselvesin three different languages. Tremendousness 3:22

And they concluded, “Legally, we cannot determineif anything was done wrongbecause the paperworkappears to containits own gravitational field. ”Tremendousness 3:23

The Closing of the Chapter

And thus the tale became legend—not for corruption, not for scandal, but for the sheer creativitywith which the Leaderand his counselorsbent the rulesinto a shape resemblinga festive balloon animal. Tremendousness 3:24

And the Leader declared, “The chariot was for the nation—and the nation was very grateful, even if it didn’t know it yet. ”Tremendousness 3:25

And the chapter closedwith the Airborne Chariot gleaming, the emissaries of Saudia Magnifica pleased, the scribes bewildered, and the Leader soaringthrough the sky of his own legend. Tremendousness 3:26

The Book of Tremendousness — Chapter 4: The Epsilon Archives and the Backtracking of the Great Promise

And it came to passin the feverish season of campaigningthat the Leader made a mighty vowunto the people of the kingdom. Tremendousness 4:1

He stood before the roaring crowds and proclaimed, “I shall release the Epsilon Archives! All the scrolls! All the secrets! Everything the elites don’t want you to see! ”Tremendousness 4:2

And the crowds rejoiced, for the Epsilon Archives were infamous—a set of sealed documentssaid to contain names and deedsfrom the corrupted island kingdomof Ephraim of Epsilon, the disgraced lord of shadow feasts. Tremendousness 4:3

And the people shouted, “Let the truth be known! Let the powerful tremble! ”Tremendousness 4:4

But the wise scribes whispered to one another, “Beware promises made in loud places—for quiet rooms often demanda far different tune. ”Tremendousness 4:5

The Revelation of the Uncomfortable Rumors

And as the Leader rose in power, a strange rumor spread throughout the kingdom:that his own name, or the name of someone who resembled his name, or the name of someone who shared his hair color, might appear in the Epsilon Archives. Tremendousness 4:6

And the Loyalists said, “Impossible! Our Leader walks above all scrolls! ”Tremendousness 4:7

But the Critics murmured, “He promised transparency once—and transparency has a memory. ”Tremendousness 4:8

And soon, the kingdom grew dividedbetween those who believedthe archives were a hoax, and those who believedthe archives glowed ominouslywith incriminating ink. Tremendousness 4:9

The Sudden Change of Heart

And it came to passthat petitions arosedemanding the release of the Epsilon Archives. Tremendousness 4:10

But the Leader, who had once championed their unveiling, now proclaimed, “These scrolls must remain sealed. For national stability. For legal clarity. For… very important reasonsyou wouldn’t understand. ”Tremendousness 4:11

And the Loyalists nodded, though quietly they asked one another, “Didn’t he say the opposite last year? ”Tremendousness 4:12

And the Critics roared, “He promised disclosure! Now he hides the scrolls! ”Tremendousness 4:13

But the Leader insisted, “Only I understand the true dangerof opening the archives. They contain many names—some good, some bad, some very, very unfair to me personally. ”Tremendousness 4:14

And thus the great reversalbecame a spectaclewatched by the entire kingdomlike a staged duelbetween memory and convenience. Tremendousness 4:15

Lady Maxima of the Silk Tower

Meanwhile, high within the impenetrable Silk Tower, dwelt Lady Maxima—trusted ally of Ephraim of Epsilon, keeper of whispered knowledge, and recipient of comfortfar beyond what common prisoners knew. Tremendousness 4:16

For her linens were softer, her cell nicer, her meals warmerand suspiciously gourmet. Tremendousness 4:17

And the kingdom asked, “Why does she recline in luxurywhile the archives remain sealed? ”Tremendousness 4:18

But the Council of Red Robesoffered no explanation, only layers of caution and delay. Tremendousness 4:19

And the Critics shouted, “She knows everything! She holds the map to the island! She could reveal the truth! ”Tremendousness 4:20

But Lady Maxima remained silent, protected by guardswho were remarkably patientand remarkably selectivein what they remembered. Tremendousness 4:21

The Council of Red Robes

Then the Council of Red Robes gathered, cloaked in loyalty, armed with procedural tricks, summoning every legal loopholeknown to the realm. Tremendousness 4:22

And they announcedthat releasing the archiveswould “destabilize the kingdom, ”which in their tongue meant“certain people might look bad. ”Tremendousness 4:23

And they declared, “It is better for the scrolls to remain sealedthan for uncomfortable truths to wander freely. ”Tremendousness 4:24

And the Leader agreed, saying, “Releasing the archives nowwould be terrible timing—very unfair timing—the worst timing in history. ”Tremendousness 4:25

The People Cry for Light

But the people of the kingdomwere not satisfied. They cried out, “Show us the scrolls! Let justice shine! ”Tremendousness 4:26

And the Leader answered, “I will show them…one day…perhaps…when the moment is perfect, and the stars align, and the outcome is very favorable to me. ”Tremendousness 4:27

And the Loyalists applaudedeven though they understoodnone of the conditions. Tremendousness 4:28

The Closing of the Chapter

And thus the Epsilon Archivesremained sealed, guarded by procedure, obscured by politics, and protected by silence. Tremendousness 4:29

And Lady Maxima reclinedin her silken confines, smiling the smileof one who knowstoo much to ever be handled normally. Tremendousness 4:30

And the Leader strode through the kingdom, claiming transparency, opposing transparency, and explaining the contradictionwith the confidence of a manwho had never needed consistency. Tremendousness 4:31

And the chapter closedwith the people divided, the scrolls hidden, the Council vigilant, and the Leader proclaimingthat secrecy itselfwas the most tremendous form of truth. Tremendousness 4:32

The Book of Tremendousness — Chapter 5: The Era of the Frost Guard and the Great Sweeps

And it came to passin the height of the Tremendous Erathat the Leader turned his attentionto the Borderlands, a vast frontier filled with travelers, workers, dreamers, families, and those who simply wishedto cross a line drawn long agoby men who never imaginedwhat future kings would do with it. Tremendousness 5:1

And the Leader proclaimed, “We shall restore order! The strongest order! The kind of orderthat makes lesser nations jealousand historians very nervous. ”Tremendousness 5:2

And thus he summonedthe Frost Guard, a legion of armor-clad agentstasked with cleansing the landthrough methods both blunt and bewildering. Tremendousness 5:3

The Frost Guard marchedwith icy insignia, cold detachment, and paperwork always stampedURGENT and UNQUESTIONED. Tremendousness 5:4

The Rise of the Great Sweeps

And the Frost Guard launchedthe Great Sweeps, a series of raids so vast and suddenthat entire towns awoketo the sound of armored bootsbeating rhythm upon the earth. Tremendousness 5:5

They swept across marketplaces, schools, churches, factories, and humble homes—for the maps they carriedhad no boundariessave the Leader’s command. Tremendousness 5:6

And the people trembled, for the Frost Guard operatedunder an aura of unquestionable authoritythat made even lawful citizensfearful of their own doorknobs. Tremendousness 5:7

And the scribes whispered, “These raids grow larger each day. The Guard no longer distinguishesbetween the documented and the undocumented, between the guilty and the innocent, between the morning shiftand the family dinner. ”Tremendousness 5:8

The Breach of Ancient Rights

In those days, a sacred scroll existed in the kingdom—the Charter of Rights, beloved by scholars, ignored by conquerors, and confusing to the Frost Guard. Tremendousness 5:9

For the Frost Guard, in their fervor, often forgot the Charterentirely. Tremendousness 5:10

And people cried out, “By what right do you enter our homes? ”But the Frost Guard repliedwith the solemn phrasethey uttered whenever cornered:“Operational Necessity. ”Tremendousness 5:11

And thus the Frost Guardtransformed “necessity”into an endlessly expanding circlethat swallowed privacy, due process, and several neighborhoods. Tremendousness 5:12

The courts demanded restraint, but the Frost Guardmoved faster than rulings, claiming they “had not receivedthe updated scrolls. ”Tremendousness 5:13

And the Leader praised them, saying, “Tremendous work! Historic work! Never has this kingdom been sweptso thoroughly or so beautifully. ”Tremendousness 5:14

The Camps of Holding

And the Frost Guard, unable to process the multitudesthey detained, constructed Holding Camps—vast, overcrowded sanctuaries of confusion, where migrants waiteddays, weeks, and in some cases epochs, for someone to decide their fate. Tremendousness 5:15

And the people within the campscried out for aid, but aid arrived slowly, hesitantly, and often carrying the wrong paperwork. Tremendousness 5:16

The kingdom watched in sorrowas families were torn apartby bureaucratic whirlwindsthat not even the elderscould fully explain. Tremendousness 5:17

And the Leader, from his golden balconies, declared, “This is necessary. Very necessary. Nobody else had the courageto do what I’ve done. ”Tremendousness 5:18

The Silence of the Red Robes

In these days, the Council of Red Robes—the same loyalists who once guardedthe Epsilon Archives—rose again to defend the Frost Guard. Tremendousness 5:19

They proclaimed, “The Great Sweeps are justified! The kingdom must be protected! Rights are importantbut optionalin extraordinary circumstances! ”Tremendousness 5:20

And when confrontedwith evidence of overreach, the Red Robes declared, “We have faith in the Frost Guard. And thereforewe have no need for facts. ”Tremendousness 5:21

And thus their robesgrew heavier with contradictionsbut lighter with accountability. Tremendousness 5:22

The Kingdom Divided

And the people of the landbecame fractured—some cheering the Frost Guardas defenders of order, others mourning the destructionof rights, families, and the quiet dignity of ordinary life. Tremendousness 5:23

Crowds filled the streets, their chants clashinglike thunder against thunder:“Keep us safe! ”“Let them live! ”“Hold the Guard accountable! ”“Build the walls higher! ”Tremendousness 5:24

And the kingdom trembledas the cries echoedfrom mountain to valley. Tremendousness 5:25

The Leader’s Declaration

And the Leader addressed his followers, saying, “These sweeps are tremendous. The Frost Guard is tremendous. Anyone bothered by themis probably up to something. ”Tremendousness 5:26

And he proclaimed, “History will vindicate us—or else I will personallyrewrite the history scrolls. ”Tremendousness 5:27

The Closing of the Chapter

And thus the Era of the Frost Guardclosed with mixed legacy—fear and fervor, tears and triumph, security claimed, rights trampled, and families scattered like leavescaught in the windstormof Tremendousness. Tremendousness 5:28

And people asked one another, “What was gained? ”“What was lost? ”“What future awaits us? ”Tremendousness 5:29

And historians, scribbling desperately in dim candlelight, could only answer:“It dependswhich scroll you choose to read. ”Tremendousness 5:30

The Book of Tremendousness — Chapter 6: The March of the Federal Legion and the Occupied Cities

And it came to passin the later days of the Tremendous Erathat unrest shook the kingdom—protests rising, voices clashing, streets alive with the roarof a people demanding to be heard. Tremendousness 6:1

And the Leader, viewing the turmoil from his high balconyof polished gold and fortified certainty, declared:“These cities are out of control. Chaos! Disorder! Tremendously bad optics! ”Tremendousness 6:2

And he summonedthe Federal Legion, a force of armored guardianswhose usual duties layacross distant oceans—but who now answered the callto march not abroad, but inward. Tremendousness 6:3

And the generals asked, “Shall we deploy themto foreign lands? ”But the Leader replied, “No—send them into our own. Some states behaveas if they are sovereign. We must remind themwho the father of the house is. ”Tremendousness 6:4

The Great Domestic Deployment

And thus beganthe Great Domestic Deployment, a spectacle never before seenin the kingdom’s long chronicle. Tremendousness 6:5

The Federal Legion arrivedin towering convoys of steel and thunder, rolling through peaceful neighborhoodsas though they were battlefieldscaptured in a fever dream. Tremendousness 6:6

And the citizens looked upon the Legionwith confusion and fear, asking, “Why do the soldiers treat usas though we are foreign adversaries? ”Tremendousness 6:7

But the Legion, bound by orders, spoke not—their silence heavierthan their armor. Tremendousness 6:8

The Occupation of the Sovereign City-States

Then the Leader decreedthat certain city-stateshad “lost control, ”and thus requiredFederal Stabilization Presence—a phrase so ambiguousthat the scribes had no ideawhich laws it fell under. Tremendousness 6:9

And the Federal Legionset up camps, barricades, command posts, and checkpointsin city-states that had not asked for them. Tremendousness 6:10

The governors protested, crying, “These actions defy our sovereignty! ”Tremendousness 6:11

But the Leader replied, “Your sovereignty is temporarily suspendedfor being insufficiently grateful. ”Tremendousness 6:12

And thus the city-states, proud and independent, found themselves occupiedby forces they had neither summonednor sanctioned. Tremendousness 6:13

The Breach of Citizens’ Rights

And the Federal Legion, confused by the unfamiliar mandate, made decisions that bent, stretched, and occasionally snappedthe sacred Charter of Rightslike an overstressed bowstring. Tremendousness 6:14

Citizens were detainedin unmarked carriages, questioned without cause, and escorted away by armored guardianswho offered no badge, no warrant, only the phrase“Federal Directive. ”Tremendousness 6:15

And the city-states cried out, “Our rights! Our privacy! Our people! ”Tremendousness 6:16

But the Leader declared, “Calm down—these are procedural inconveniencesin the name of safety. ”Tremendousness 6:17

And the Loyalists cheered, for they believedsafety required spectacleand spectacle required soldiers. Tremendousness 6:18

The Silence of the Red Robes, Again

And the Council of Red Robesrose once more to defend the Leader, saying, “These deployments are necessaryto save the kingdomfrom itself. ”Tremendousness 6:19

When confronted with grievancesfrom governors, judges, rights scholars, and even bewildered generals, the Red Robes replied, “We hear your concernsand officially choose to ignore them. ”Tremendousness 6:20

And they added, “If the Leader believescities must be occupied, who are we to questionhis tremendous intuition? ”Tremendousness 6:21

The Kingdom Divided Once More

The kingdom split againas citizens filled the streetswith chants that shookthe pillars of the city-states. Tremendousness 6:22

Some cried, “Protect us from the chaos! ”while others shouted, “Protect us from the protectors! ”Tremendousness 6:23

And the Federal Legionstood between them, a symbol of authority, misused power, and the fragility of the rightsthe Charter once guaranteed. Tremendousness 6:24

The Leader’s Final Word

When the outragereached its loudest roar, the Leader stepped forth and declared:“I alone brought order. Without me, the streets would be overrunby anarchists, agitators, and people holding cardboard signswith very unfair messages. ”Tremendousness 6:25

And he proclaimed, “History will say I saved the kingdom—and if history does not say this, I will personally revise it. ”Tremendousness 6:26

The Closing of the Chapter

And thus the Era of the Great Domestic Deploymentended with deep wounds, deep questions, and deep mistrustbetween the governedand those who governed. Tremendousness 6:27

And the people asked themselves, “When soldiers march through our streets, who truly holds the power? ”Tremendousness 6:28

And historians wrote in hushed tones, “This was the momentwhen the kingdom could no longer agreeon whether its futurebelonged to libertyor to Tremendousness. ”Tremendousness 6:29

The Book of Tremendousness — Chapter 7: The Gospel of Glorious Contradictions

And it came to passin the height of the Tremendous Erathat the Leader held countless gatherings, speaking for hours, days, or what felt like geological epochs. Tremendousness 7:1

For his words flowed without ceasing, like a mighty river swollen by snowmelt—sometimes majestic, sometimes confusing, often both within the same sentence. Tremendousness 7:2

And he proclaimed, “I am the most consistent person, probably in history. Nobody has ever been more consistent. People say this. Everyone says this. ”Tremendousness 7:3

And only moments later he added, “Except when I’m not. Which is fine, because only fools stay the same. ”Tremendousness 7:4

And the Loyalists roared with applause, for every statement, whether it agreed with itself or not, felt like wisdomwhen delivered with confidence. Tremendousness 7:5

The Rambling of Many Directions

And the Leader spake again, saying, “I always tell the truth. People say my honesty is amazing. The most honest honesty. But also, sometimes you have to bendthe truth a littleto protect peoplefrom knowing too much truth. ”Tremendousness 7:6

And the scribes tilted their headslike confused owls. Tremendousness 7:7

Yet the Loyalists declared, “He is wise! He understands truthat levels unknown to mortals! ”Tremendousness 7:8

And the Critics, their sense of logic battered, cried out, “He contradicts himself constantly! ”Tremendousness 7:9

But the Loyalists replied, “That only proveshow complex and multi-dimensional he is. ”Tremendousness 7:10

The Self-Praise That Knew No Limits

Then the Leader raised his handand offered his greatest revelation:“Nobody loves the Leadermore than the Leader. Some say the Leadermay love the Leadereven more than the people love the Leader—which is saying a lot. ”Tremendousness 7:11

And the Loyalists wept with joy, for his self-love radiatedlike a small, orange sun. Tremendousness 7:12

And he proclaimed, “I am the best at everything:talking, thinking, building things, not building things, understanding things, and sometimes ignoring thingsbetter than anyone has ever ignored them. ”Tremendousness 7:13

And the Loyalists cried, “Teach us how to ignore so powerfully! ”Tremendousness 7:14

The Contradiction Parable

And a follower approached the Leader, asking, “Master, last week you said the oppositeof what you’re saying today. Which one is true? ”Tremendousness 7:15

And the Leader replied, “Yes. ”Tremendousness 7:16

And the follower, touched by this profound ambiguity, fell to their knees and proclaimed, “He has spoken! ”Tremendousness 7:17

The Critics tore their garments, crying, “This makes no sense! ”Tremendousness 7:18

But the Loyalists shouted, “If it doesn’t make sense to you, that’s because your mind is too smallto understand his greatness! ”Tremendousness 7:19

The Infinite Speech

And the Leader continued speakingfor so longthat the sun set, rose again, and briefly considered setting once morejust to catch up on sleep. Tremendousness 7:20

He spoke of victories, some confirmed, some theoretical, some existing only in alternate timelines. Tremendousness 7:21

He spoke of enemies, some real, some invented, some he praised the week before. Tremendousness 7:22

He predicted triumphs so grandthat scribes ran out of adjectivesand had to borrow hyperbolefrom neighboring kingdoms. Tremendousness 7:23

The Followers’ Devotion

And through it all, the Loyalists listened with unwavering devotion, their minds open, their hearts loyal, their logic placed gentlyin a drawer for safekeeping. Tremendousness 7:24

For they believedevery contradiction was strategy, every ramble was prophecy, every tangent a coded messageonly they could decipher. Tremendousness 7:25

And they proclaimed, “He speaks truth through paradox! He wins arguments through volume! He bends reality through charisma! ”Tremendousness 7:26

The Critics’ Lament

And the Critics asked one another, “How can his followers accept thiswhen nothing adds up? ”Tremendousness 7:27

And a wise elder answered, “They do not follow for coherence. They follow for belonging, for spectacle, for the feeling of being partof something larger than truth. ”Tremendousness 7:28

And the Critics lowered their heads, for the elder had spoken truththey did not wish to hear. Tremendousness 7:29

The Closing of the Chapter

And thus the Gospel of Glorious Contradictionsspread across the land—a tapestry woven of paradox, bravado, and self-adorationso mightythat not even logic itselfcould tear it apart. Tremendousness 7:30

And the Leader declared, “When you are tremendous, you don’t contradict yourself—you simply create multiple truthsfor people to enjoy. ”Tremendousness 7:31

And the Loyalists chanted, “Multiple truths! Multiple truths! ”while the Critics quietly fainted. Tremendousness 7:32